You may have noticed that the fine people here at Port Authority rarely comment on serious news. That’s a testament to our lack of concern for what actually goes on in the world. It may not help in real life, but on the Internet, nihilism has value.
However, every once in a while someone like your boy C-Port makes the grave mistake of venturing over to Twitter Moments for no good reason at all and stumbles upon something like this:
The family who owns a chain of more than 500 craft stores have been under investigation by the Department of Justice for illegally acquiring and importing ancient Babylonian cuneiform for an upcoming Bible museum.
Let me tell you something – anyone who tries to open a fucking Bible museum in the year of our Lord 2017 has it coming. They just do. Jesus H. Christ (the H. is short for “himself”) could be the President of the United States and I can guarantee you his Department of Justice will investigate your dumbass if you try scoring some tablets from Babylon. God damn cuneiform? You think it’s a game? You think it’s a fucking GAME?
Truth be told, I Googled “dmx you think it’s a game gif” and got this. It is in no way real, which disappoints me greatly. I would have played the shit out of this.
It should come as no surprise that the fine people at Hobby Lobby are robbing
a MOAB detonation testing area Iraq of its scribbled stone riches. After all, they’ve already acquired all the useless shit known to man and sold it back to every HGTV enthusiast; what’s the harm in smuggling some scratched up rocks through customs? I don’t see anything about that in the text of the travel ban.
Listen, if Chip and Joanna Gaines suddenly start remodeling shithole houses in Texas to look like ancient Babylonian sex palaces, we’re not even having this discussion. Stone tablets are in, and America’s Instagram moms want their cut. The feds should just be happy knowing that these things are headed to a museum, when they could have very easily been marked up to $29.99 each and placed next to other Cracker Barrel decor like this mason jar full of shells and shit, or a sign your emotionally broken father can hang in his man cave suggesting that he has any idea whatsoever of how to change the oil in your car.
Here’s an inconvenient truth – by buying these old ass rocks in the desert, Hobby Lobby may also be funding ISIS.
The rise of the Islamic State, or ISIS, has brought heightened attention to the antiquities trade. That’s because the group considers the looting and trafficking of antiquities a valuable source of revenue. “Such funding,” the UN Security Council recently declared, “is being used to support recruitment efforts and to strengthen operational capability to organize and carry out terrorist attacks.” In May, when U.S. forces assassinated Abu Sayyaf, a senior ISIS officer, and then raided his compound in Syria, they found it stuffed with hundreds of ancient Iraqi artifacts.
That’s not the kind of thing you want to hear if you’re a Christian company best known for not covering birth control under your employee insurance plan.
It took approximately two seconds for that take to be entered into the record.
But my favorite theory about these wacky Middle Eastern hijinks? It’s this one, by a country mile:
What if this is Hobby Lobby enacting revenge for getting protested half a dozen times? What if all the pro-choicers actually doomed the entire planet because they fucked with the wrong arts and crafts store? Hope you enjoyed picketing on your “day off from work” (i.e. every day), you selfish bastards. We’re all dead now. Hobby Lobby has all the keys to summoning Pazuzu and you still can’t afford Plan B. Nice going.
p.s. My laptop wants to autocorrect “Pazuzu” to “Piazza,” so that should tell you something if you’re a Mets fan.