Do you ever get nostalgic thinking about how much more fucked up the Internet used to be? I mean it’s bad now, but not even close to what you could get away with on 1,000 free hours of parental control-free AOL. When Trump said he wanted to make America “great again,” I assumed he meant back when we could all come home after school, toss our bullshit geometry homework on the floor and clog up the home phone lines for a couple hours pretending to be girls with each other in explicit lesbian chat rooms we had no business being in.
1999 dads be like
Years before triggered snowflakes made transgender pronoun rights a trending topic, roughly 100% of male college applicants were role playing as amateur porn stars of the opposite gender, and we liked it. That’s the great America I remember. Nowadays all horny kids have to do is be themselves and swipe right to have actual sex in real life. Maybe I sound like my PawPaw, but these spoiled brats were born with silver spoons in their mouths and they’ll never realize how good they’ve got it.
That’s not even the worst of it. The most shocking thing about 2017 is the fact that today’s parents, many of whom grew up pretending their a/s/l was 18/f/florida, all of a sudden have no idea what the fuck their kids are saying and doing online. How does that happen? You know better because you did it first, you idiots. Maybe it’s the haze of parenthood, the fog of war that blinds you to obvious truths like “yes my dumbass kid is probably doing freaky shit.” I can’t pretend to understand it because I’m not a father yet, but god help me if I become that naive.
Speaking of naive, we now go live to the website of an AM radio talk show about computer science for baby boomers. In between segments where callers attempt to reset their routers, host “Kim Komando” (what the fuck is that about) assembled a cornucopia of acronyms the kids are using these days:
Let’s talk about these stupid codes, because I’m 100% certain some are made up and others are used only by horny granddads.
NIFOC – “naked in front of computer”
Oh, you’re in front of a computer right now? Where you’re typing “NIFOC” like an idiot?
GYPO – “get your pants off”
If you don’t GYPO immediately after you come home, or at the very least before you get on the Internet, you aren’t really living. I didn’t choose the GYPO life; the GYPO life chose me. If that means I gotta get NIFOC, I guess I gotta get NIFOC.
IWSN – “I want sex now”
Imagine saying this in real life and pretending you don’t sound like a serial killer. Stroll up to the bar, buy the lady a drink and lay this one on her. The only way “I want sex now” makes sense is in a bad foreign-to-English overdub.
IPN – “I’m posting naked”
Refer back to GYPO, NIFOC on the list of “no fucking shits.”
KPC – “keeping parents clueless”
All the parent related codes are insane but I gotta say, if you’re bragging about how clueless mom and dad are, you’re asking to get caught in a compromising position.
KOTL – “kiss on the lips”
Why do you need a code for the most vanilla sexual act of all time? You might as well create an acronym for huggi-
HAK – “hugs and kisses”
Oh, FUCK OFF.
ZERG – “to gang up on someone”
*searches pornhub for “zergging”* folks,,
Q2C – “quick to cum”
Pro tip if you’re just now getting into the sex game – maybe keep some information to yourself. Bluff a little bit. This is a good time to do that.
MPFB – “my personal fuck buddy”
I’m still so upset that Billy Mays snorted his face to death with cocaine before virtual reality sex could really take off. We’ll never get the “My Personal Fuck Buddy” infomercial we deserve. Probably have to settle for Ty Pennington or a near-death Chuck Woolery.
1174 – “nude club”
GTFOOH with this. If your kid is typing “1174” on the Internet there is a 0.0% chance they are referring to a nude club. Absolute zero. I’m not saying being a parent is easy and there’s plenty of rabbit holes you or your kids don’t want to go down, but ffs you can’t be getting duped by numbered codes for “nude clubs.”
My advice? Stop trying to understand codes. If you don’t get it now, you never will. At some point you have to wonder if a Russian troll is fake newsing the fuck out you by dropping in shit like “NALOPKT” as shorthand for “not a lot of people know that.” Have you ever seen anyone use abbreviation like that? Nothing “short” about it, it’s already seven god damn letters long.
Anyways, mos, g2g, ttyl, kys.
p.s. – People forget that LOL means “lots of love” and is perfect for communicating your support for someone whose relative just died.
credit to the kim komando show for the absurd graphic