i’m 100% out on spear spinning

What do you do for a living, hmm? Work some office cube job? Pound out a few spreadsheets, maybe drink a few cups of coffee and enjoy yourself? Clock out a little early on Friday and meet the boys for happy hour? It’s a tough racket, showing up to sit in a chair for 40 hours a week, but at least you aren’t spinning on a god damn spear.

While you’re couch-bound with your hand in your pants over the weekend this motherfucker is busy out-Shaolin monking the Shaolin monks, just culturally appropriating the fuck out of people who beat the shit out of their stomachs and yell things that sound Chinese. How does one get to this point in life, perfecting the art of simulating testicle pain on-demand?  Maybe you make a living by doing your best impression of a responsible adult; this half-head shaved wizard hipster makes a living by doing his best impression of an ornament in a music box.

giphy-23

It me, trying to win an argument with my wife.

Right about now a bunch of losers in high school are probably doing the backpack challenge – you know, the one where you run a gauntlet and get pelted by high velocity Jansports full of hardcover biology textbooks. They’re bragging about how tough they are for taking a beating from pieces of loose leaf paper and some zippers. You know what? You haven’t done shit. Pipe the fuck down cowards, the men are talking here. Maybe when you grow some nuts you’ll do a real challenge, like one that involves the risk of punctured organs and permanent spinal cord injury without wearing pads and a helmet.

I stopped going to the circus when I was a kid for this exact reason. These sideshow freaks have no limits. I remember seeing that Criss Angel fuck or whoever it was swinging from the rafters by meat hooks and trying to do the math in my head for how much money I would need before becoming a butcher prop. I had to stop counting because, as it turns out, I can’t carry enough 1’s to justify hanging by my skin for fun.

Oh, and just in case you thought the spear spinner was a one trick pony, you’ll be pleased to know he’s also been lifting weights with his eyeballs:

“Pulling a car with my eye sockets is a real challenge for me” OH NO FUCKING WAY GUY COLOR ME SHOCKED.

Let the record show I do not trust people who do manual labor with their eye sockets.


p.s. – Is there even an argument against the bearded lady being the best sideshow job? You literally don’t have to do a damn thing, just stand still and be weird while people gawk at you. Lena Dunham made a career out of it. Dream sideshow job.


credit to the wizard of odd for the videos

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