Today, we say goodbye to the most disastrous year. The world will long remember 2016 as the worst of times; a beacon of hopelessness; the soul crushing defeat of our dreams; and the beginning of the end – a year in which a hundred thousand million declarations of “fuck this” amounted to nothing. 2016 was the year the music died.
Consider the unbridled cruelty we endured for three hundred and sixty-five days – our opinions, challenged; our sensibilities, rendered meaningless; our faith in cultural and political institutions, shattered. We can’t even trust our pizza places anymore.
Few among us care to dwell on the trauma of everything we went through, and I’m no glutton for punishment either. Instead, I’ve summed up the unprecedented chaos of the past year in a succinct bullet list, which you can gloss over while loading actual bullets in your gun.
- People voted
- People died
- Animals died
- No lives matter
- Nutraceutical sales skyrocketed
- E-mail is hard
- Bernie would have won
The worst year in recorded history has gone home now, guided by the light of those it stole too soon, most notably the captive gorilla and panda with the funny names. At last it is with them once more, leaving those of us who welcome its passing with a single, enduring wish for the future – the image of a man, alone on a boat; orange mane tousled, his small hands gripping the helm; smiling broadly as he sails into the wind, ready for whatever stormfronts may come, carrying on toward some new and wondrous place just beyond the horizon where what is “sad!” may be made great again – and then capsizing in the Atlantic.
p.s. – There’s no chance 2017 is worse than this. No chance, whatsoever.
credit to funeralhelper.org for allowing me to plagiarize a portion of president obama’s eulogy for ted kennedy