Editor’s note: In an era of fake news and irresponsible journalism, the Port Authority editorial board is committed to aggregating only the most objectively correct facts and opinions that you need to know. We do the thinking so you don’t have to. Today, we ask all American men of Caucasian descent to direct their utmost attention to this important reeducation video from MTV News, a respected non-partisan authority in media.
“Hey, white guys: we came up for some New Year’s Resolutions for you.”
Folks, it’s no secret that 2016 has been maybe almost definitely the worst year in recorded history thanks to white guys. The Cleveland Cavaliers (led by Matthew Dellavedova) and the Chicago Cubs (baseball, white sport, hello) won championships, all the celebrities we’ve ever known or cared about (just Prince, once Dave Chapelle told us who he was) died, and worst of all millions of college educated Americans (the good, repentant white beneficiaries of the cisheteropatriarchy, like the ones in this video) had the opportunity to brag about electing the first President with menopause ripped away from them. What will they tell the children they choose not to abort now? Shouldn’t we just abort every child to save them from living in this cruel world? How could anyone possibly explain with a straight face why those with contrarian opinions aren’t Hitler? To do so would normalize the soft oppression that white male establishment terrorists traffic in every day, and it’s high time we put a stop to these extremists.
Let me be the first to say that MTV News is being really smart with their approach to serious subject matter like this. Comedy can be an effective tool for slowly conditioning people to think less of themselves, whereas lecturing (while fun and rewarding) often just makes the other person try to interrupt you with their racist, sexist, homophobic opinions, which they shouldn’t even be allowed to think of in private, let alone say out loud. When you leave space for laughs, you drown out the hate. Until we get the chance to lobotomize all white males at birth, we’ll need to tell more jokes to keep them quiet.
Humor also makes it easier for good people who may feel uncomfortable with targeting a specific race and gender of human beings for being different (i.e. evil) to begin slowly internalizing beliefs about the impurity and inherent unfitness of certain genetics. Some people may call that “othering,” but remember – you can’t “other” something that isn’t human to begin with. Don’t worry so much; the holocaust was a hoax, and we’re just here having a giggle. It’s all in good fun! Besides, it’s 2016 for crying out loud – why did it take us this long to finally start making fun of white people? Isn’t it hilarious when the
black guy WHOOPS SORRY THAT WAS A TYPO CAUSED BY AUTOCORRECT AND NOT ME I PROMISE African American guy says cops aren’t born with blue skin?! LOL “THEY WEREN’T BORN BLUE!!!” Fucking retard ass white guys, man.
HOLY SHIT THIS DUDE IS FUNNY
Trump’s victory filled us all with such intense dread and hopelessness that we might never have picked ourselves up off our tear-stained bathroom floors had it not been for the bravery of heroes like Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer doing it first, but if you don’t walk away from this video feeling at least a little inspired for the new year, you don’t have a pulse. I haven’t been this fired up to organize my community into segregated tribal states engaged in constant conflict with each other since President Obama himself brought radically new ideas like “hope” and “change” to America in 2008. We may never have hope again, but that’s okay, because now we have someone to blame. If you’re a white guy like Jimmy Buffett, 2017 can be the year you finally realize it’s your own damn fault you lost your salt shaker, instead of fingering a woman (which she didn’t consent to, by the way). A lot of people are gonna get triggered, but you know what? We’re right, and they’re white. Fuck ’em.
2016 was defined by hate. 2017 will be different.
It has to be – or else.
p.s. – If you’re a white male who’s ready to repent, don’t forget to sign up for Safety Pin Box. Make no mistake, you will never, ever be forgiven. Thank you for your business.
credit to mtv news for the original video