There is this thing that people (mostly men) love to do on Twitter, something other than harass women and send DMs of their half chubs. It’s called threading, and it’s one of the many things ruining my Twitter experience.
Threading happens when someone has a lot of thoughts or feelings on a particular topic, so many that they can’t fit them all into 140 characters. So, ostensibly to help readers follow along on their train of thought, they thread the tweets together by replying to themselves. Sometimes they even use numbers!
They are typically “intellectual” dribblings from men who love Explaining Things To Me (essentially a subtype of Online Mansplaining). These are people who want their ideas to take up the absolute most space possible. Like Manspreading, but of digital space.
There is this thing that people (mostly women) love to do on Twitter, Gizmodo, Cosmopolitan, Vanity Fair and basically every single website, something other than defend the new Ghostbusters and post semi-nudes sort of ironically (but not really). It’s called “clitbaiting,” and it’s one of the many things enriching my Internet experience.
See what I did there? I took a word to describe something that literally every idiot does online and I added the prefix “clit-” to it. That’s what makes it a phenomenon exclusive to women, because I say so. I don’t care if nobody else in the entire world puts “clit-” in front of gender neutral verbs. It’s in print now, it’s a real thing, and you have to accept it without getting mad.
On Tuesday, Alana Hope Levinson wrote this long and pointless screed on Gizmodo about how men write similar long and pointless screeds on Twitter, and I have to admit, I have never enjoyed being clitsplained this much in my life. Anyone who’s angry at this chick doesn’t understand how the Internet works. You want to get rich online? You only need two things – fingers and eyeballs. Gizmodo saw dollar signs when Alana dropped this bombshell in the queue, and I don’t blame them. The easiest way to start a brushfire of pageviews is to create controversies out of thin air.
The best thing about Manthreading is how unnecessary it is. There are other tools—blogs—you can use if your have more than a few tweets worth of content to spew onto the internet. Twitter co-found Ev Williams fucking built Medium for this exact reason. Twitter…but longer. Wyd, Manthreaders?
A-fucking-men, Alana. Sure, when the intern running Hillary Clinton’s account tweetstormed entire speeches during her failed presidential campaign, that was one thing.
She’s an amazing woman who embodies all that is beautiful and good in this world.
But I’m sick and tired of losers like Eric Garland spitting some game theory, Neil deGrasse Tyson going on and on about the sun exploding, or Nate Silver making excuses for why his predictions are wrong but he’s still right somehow. Why don’t you people just obey the god damn rules? STOP @’ING YOURSELVES. There are 140 characters in a tweet – that’s letters, not pages, you scumbags. One thought, one tweet. Please stop lubing up the boundaries of Twitter so you can force your manifestos inside my feed without my consent.
Unless it’s an important thread about the scourge of gender inequality, the plight of minorities engaged with law enforcement, fear mongering over Donald Trump, or how a stage play about the hip hop Founding Fathers is “everything right now.” We need all of those. We might say “no, no, please stop,” but just keep going. We’re asking for it.
The thing about Manthreaders, though, is that they want their little nuggets to spread as widely as possible. It’s not enough to write a great blog and get a compliment on it. They want constant kudos for each point, a stream of high fives for each of their killer “owns.”
I think they also like the idea that tweets seem easy and casual, as if they are quickly firing off pearls of wisdom, not at all rehearsed. But we all know y’all have a word doc at the ready, honey. 😉
NEIL, I TOLD YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
Nothing stings like the snark of a woman dropping “honey” and a winky face at the end of a killer “own.” That’s an uppercut straight to your dick. Oh, you take issue with her argument? BLADOW motherfucker, you just got expertly clitflamed by a strong, independent woman. Alana turned her fist and your crotch into a trash compactor, now kiss that garbage swinging between your thighs goodbye. You’re lucky she saved that sniper shot for the blog – who knows how long the stream of high fives would have lasted if she fired it off on Twitter instead? Say thank you.
tl;dr: The Internet is a wonderful place where you shout into a vacuum in front of a studio audience while they hiss and toss rotten vegetables at you. The best part is you never have to see or hear them beyond the two-way mirror of your screen if you don’t want to. Besides, the echo of your own voice sounds so fucking good anyway. Why should you ever have your opinions or beliefs questioned by these hideous freaks who are doing the exact same thing as you? They got free tickets to this show, the least they could do is shut up and clap when the “APPLAUSE” light comes on. Besides, who fucking cares about them anyway – they’re men.
p.s. – Women, please stop “please stopping” everything.
read alana’s full blog on gizmodo