NY Post: Move over, Lucy — the new “doctor” is in.
Over the past nine Sundays, a 4-foot-8 Bushwick sixth-grader has been counseling anxious Brooklynites at the Bedford L train stop. For $2 a pop, he offers five-minute “emotional advice” sessions. His office hours are noon to 2 p.m.
“It’s a good way to give back and make money,” the 11-year-old told The Post.
One recent afternoon, a couple stopped by the “Peanuts”-esque card table for some marital counseling. The husband was unhappy that his wife had recently gone vegan.
“I told him that she didn’t get mad at him for eating meat,” the boy said. “She likes to eat what she wants and he likes to eat whatever he wants so they’re just gonna have to deal with it.”
Clients say the young boy’s advice is right on the money.
“Somebody came up to us and said that what he told her is what she’d been feeling in her gut that whole time,” the boy’s father said.
This fucking kid, man.
Look, I’m not gonna get angry at him for hustling. I hate the game, but I absolutely respect the player. This little dude ain’t even hit 5 feet yet and he’s already holding suckers upside down by their ankles, stealing their lunch money with a smile. He could just as easily be running a three card monte trap with that setup but there he is, pickpocketing emotionally damaged New Yorkers and building his résumé. Anytime he gets into an argument with somebody this baby genius can drop “I ran a successful clinical psychiatry practice before I grew my first mustache hair, fuck you” for the rest of his life. You know what it takes to sell dollar menu advice in a subway station?
Current count of Kevin Spacey appearances in this blog: that’s TWO for me.
My problem isn’t with him, it’s with the idiot adults who seek help from somebody who probably isn’t wearing deodorant yet. How you gonna take advice from a dude who don’t know he smells bad? He plays Minecraft. He hasn’t seen shit in his life, what advice could he possibly offer? How about what he told that weird vegan couple – “they’re just gonna have to deal with it.” The fuck is that? I know it ain’t advice. $2.00 wasted, hope you’re happy, moron. The little shyster these grown ass men and women are crying to is suspect at best from the free throw line, and they’re letting him score from the bottom of the key. Bank shots, player. Just look at that cold-blooded face.
“Fucking newsboy cap ass dork, get your broke god damn iPhone off my desk and pay up.”
Wait a minute, I just realized something – he’s posted up shop at the Bedford L train stop, which means everybody he talks to on Sundays is LITERALLY TAKING THE L.
I know it’s a cliche to say but god damn, this kid is savage. It wasn’t by accident, he knows exactly what he’s doing – punking these morons and giving them the subconscious humiliation they deserve. My emotional advice for anybody who hands over their hard earned cash to this sneak ass middle schooler? Skip boarding the train all together and just jump right the fuck in front of it. You bottomed out. It’s over. You lost. You are dead. You are all dead. Skull emoji, skull emoji, skull emoji. TAKE THE L.
When little man gets bored and stops counseling losers, maybe he’ll do the right thing and get signed to a record deal so Kanye can produce his first LP, Emotional Advice, with this dope ass cover on it.
p.s. – Hey kid, if you actually do get signed to a record deal and make this the album cover, you best pay the man his fair share. 15% off the top, no questions asked. We’re both businessmen here. Your boy C-Port does not work for free, and he sure as shit don’t work for $2.00 neither.
p.p.s – Worth noting that little man’s dad says he uses the money he earns doing this to buy food and snacks at school for his friends who can’t afford it.
credit to the new york post for the original article and images