i am not afraid of artificial intelligence or elon musk

Editor’s note: Elon Musk is a well-respected authority on future technologies and has contributed more to society in his lifetime than everyone on the Internet. As previously reported by Port Authority, Chris in C-Port is not an authority on anything and the case for the legitimacy of his opinions should be approached with extreme caution.


Ol’ Canadian Tony Stark, lady lip-havin’ headass.

Trigger warning – I’m calling out Elon Musk on his shit. Most people don’t have the stones to say it but your boy C-Port is here to set the record straight on this clown ass billionaire. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Few people are more highly regarded in the modern era than this reanimated wax figure who spent nearly a decade just trying to accomplish the pedestrian task of not blowing all his rocketships up.


Research and development, putting in the man hours to study the science of what you need.

So what if he started a few groundbreaking businesses and helped change the world? I started a blog, but you don’t see me flaunting it in everybody’s faces (except when I politely encourage you to please read my work in a completely not desperate-for-attention kind of way on Twitter). As far as I’m concerned, we’re on a level playing field except for one thing – Elon is afraid of getting cucked by artificial intelligence in the future, and I’m not a bitch.

If you think I’m scared of a few 1’s and 0’s talking sweet to Mrs. in C-Port while I’m out hustling in the streets trying to pay these bills, you’re out of your god damn mind. First chance I get to hook the wife up with a binary code boyfriend who can keep her happy, set it and forget it like Ronco, you best believe I’m taking that opportunity. Marriage is hard work when you’re playing one on one, but if you put me in a 2-1 fast break situation where I get the LeBron James of virtual romance across court, welcome to Layup City. Me and HAL 9000 are getting a triple double every fucking night cause she can’t guard us both. We’re gonna get ours.

All that being said, if you’ve got big enough nuts to build a hyperloop but not big enough to keep your girl from benching you for an algorithm, you soft.


Okay, so in fairness, Elon is more worried about A.I. becoming humanity’s “biggest existential threat” or something, but six of one, half a dozen of the other – the dude is shook, period.

“I think we should be very careful about artificial intelligence. If I had to guess at what our biggest existential threat is, it’s probably that. So we need to be very careful,” said Musk. “I’m increasingly inclined to think that there should be some regulatory oversight, maybe at the national and international level, just to make sure that we don’t do something very foolish.”

“With artificial intelligence we are summoning the demon. In all those stories where there’s the guy with the pentagram and the holy water, it’s like – yeah, he’s sure he can control the demon. Doesn’t work out,” said Musk.

Give me a fucking break, guy. That’s not a dire warning, it’s the plot to Hellraiser. It sounds pretty bad, but my man Elon is looking at this all wrong. A prediction like that assumes the scientific community is filled to the brim with stupidly brilliant people who shift paradigms so fast it’ll make your head spin, as opposed to brilliantly stupid people who in the year of 2016 are still trying to figure out big dicks. Let’s pump the brakes on pushing the concept that we’ll create an A.I. so incredibly advanced that it evolves on its own into a killing machine until after we finish studying why women prefer huge hogs.

If you want proof of how far away we are from Skynet becoming self-aware, look no further than this study. Recently, researchers at the University of Toronto (lol) conducted one of the dumbest experiments I’ve ever heard of.

[They] tasked an A.I. with looking at a picture of a Christmas tree, writing a song about it, and then singing the results for the world to hear.

That’s a spectacular use of the university’s general endowment fund by these nerd ass Canucks. The way Elon’s been talking about A.I. you’d think the Christmas song this fake brain concocted must be so good that soon we’ll replace the Pledge of Allegiance with it and usher in an age of machine fascism. Well, listen to THIS:

Oh yeah, you’re god damn right I’m singing that song all December. A real holiday classic, this one. I can’t wait for Michael Bublé, Josh Groban, Andrea Bocelli or some other asshole to perform it at Rockefeller Center. Hell, I’d rather hear this than Mariah’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You’ for the hundred thousandth time.

“The Christmas tree is filled with flowers?” No it fucking isn’t, you idiot, did you even look at the picture? “The best Christmas present in the world is a blessing?” Wrong again, according to every talk radio show in America the best Christmas present is Shari’s Berries (which Port Authority is happy to endorse more enthusiastically for a nominal talent fee). There’s the nuclear explosion of bad grammar in the middle where this bitch says she’s “always been there for the rest of our lives, a hundred and a half hour ago.” What the fuck are you talking about? And then, the coup de grâce – “There are lots and lots and lots of flowers,” a statement so stupid it’s laughable. Rather than self-correcting, this artificial idiot doubles down on a mistake it made all the way at the beginning because it was too busy overloading its processor to write the worst Christmas song of all time.

If I’m Elon Musk, this gives me hope that science is going exponentially backwards, not forward. Absolutely no chance we’re accidentally inventing a T-1000 anytime soon. Pro tip to the University of Toronto – before you teach a computer to outsmart us, maybe teach it how to outsmart an antique player piano first.

p.s. – How ‘Elon Musk’ ended up being somebody’s name and not the scientific term for skunk spray is a code I’ll never crack, but the fact remains that it stinks either way.

credit to hang chu for the video

credit to inverse.com for the original article

featured image via tmz


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