so you think you’re an ally?

Yesterday, I gave you an honest product review about the hottest gift of 2016 (spoiler alert: it’s a god damn rock). I did that for you because it’s the season of giving, and I’m a giver. Today, I want to talk to you about something different – something truly revolutionary. Let’s talk about something important.

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Subscription services are hot in the streets right now. For $9.99 a month you can get just about anything streamed or delivered to you, which is great unless you willingly throw $120 a year in the trash for a different sample of bullshit vitamins or cringe-inducing young adult literature every 30 days. People are tired of the empty promises. The subscription bubble is about to burst. It’s high time for a market correction, and the pendulum is swinging back the other way.

However, what if I told you there’s an opportunity out there for you to subscribe to something that really matters for once? What if you could spend roughly 10x the annual cost of the most popular premium television streaming platform in America, and – stay with me – see absolutely zero return on your investment? Not only that, but what if for a mere $100 per month you could be given “guided, measurable tasks” to complete, such as “data collection, personal development, influencing your networks, and showing radical compassion?” But wait – I’m not done – what if, for roughly the cost of four Playstation 4’s, you could lessen the inescapable burden of your crippling white guilt?

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Pull out your fucking checkbook and smash that subscribe button, your worthless lily white pieces of sh–sorry, “allies.” This is Safety Pin Box.

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I know what you’re thinking – ‘this sounds too good to be true.’ No legitimate subscription service would ever give you this much bang for your buck. I mean, a fresh Ben Franklin on the first of the month is all it takes to help put an end to the scourge of white supremacy for which you and all of your ancestors are to blame? It has to be a scam.

Is this for real?

Yes! This is a real subscription that will send you a REAL box every month. Subscription fees go directly towards supporting real Black women, two of whom are the creators of the Safety Pin Box.

Did you catch that? Are they shitting us? This is a real subscription that also coincidentally reinvests its fees in the lives of the two women taking credit for it (just a little off the top, no big deal). Remember, it’s for a good cause. Just shut up and take our money. Nothing of any importance whatsoever could possibly be gleaned from an explanation of how the money is spent.

How do the financial gifts work?

Each month, recipients will be chosen at random from our pool of “Black Women Being” applicants based on funds raised from that month’s subscriptions. Any and all Black women/femmes doing any work towards the liberation of Black people are encouraged to apply.

Recipients will be notified via email and will receive a one-time financial gift. Number and size of gifts given and will depend on the number of active subscriptions. No gift recipients are required to disclose their gift amount to anyone for any reason. We believe Black women/femmes are the best stewards of their own funds and we do not dictate how recipients use their gifts.

A portion of subscription fees will also go towards supporting the Black women founders, Marissa and Leslie, directly and as compensation for their labor on this project.

You had me at non-disclosure. In an era of charities/businesses/ponzi schemes where too much value is placed on the end results, it’s nice to see an organization like this come along and be honest about the true value of giving, and that’s in the act of giving itself. As anyone who’s been robbed before will tell you, personal possessions can be replaced but there’s no substitute for the feeling of warmth in your heart that comes from letting a stranger in need into your home so they can borrow your TV forever. It might be a little greedy of you, but a subscription to Safety Pin Box allows you to selfishly feel that warmth over and over again with a simple, permanently recurring monthly payment. Plus, you get the added benefit of philanthropic friendship and companionship.

What is an “Ally”?

“Ally” is the term commonly used to refer to someone from a privileged group who supports the efforts of oppressed people. White “allies” support Black people in their pursuit of full liberation from anti-Blackness and white supremacy. This support is given wholly and unabashedly and is demonstrated financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Allies to not define what it is to be an ally, rather allyship is defined by the oppressed people being supported. If Black people choose to have white people a part of their freedom work at all, they reserve the right to fully define what allyship they require.

There are many issues with “allies”, both the term itself and how it manifests practically. We use the term “ally” to broadly identify white people who looking to support Black liberation both with their resource and with their deeds.

Right about now you’re probably emptying your bank account, raiding your snot-nosed kid’s college fund and liquidating your Roth IRA just for the privilege of calling yourself an ally, but before you get all excited about bragging to everybody about being friends with the cool freedom fighter kids, keep in mind that “No white people are entitled to Black revolutionary efforts or Black spaces. Ever.”

Many will claim they are allies, few will do the work necessary to demonstrate their commitment to eradicating white supremacy. Ally work is a privilege and not a right. No white people are entitled to Black revolutionary efforts or Black spaces. Ever.

This is basically a fraternity where you never, ever stop pledging. The brothers keep telling you initiation is coming, but Hell Week never ends. Just when you think you’ve chugged your last fifth of microwaved Jack Daniels another one is coming out of the oven, and while you might feel a smidgen of apprehension about it at first, you know the only way to pay your dues is to chug that hot god damn whiskey. The brothers will never respect you as a man if you don’t nut up, even if your name is frat as fuck and would look great on the composite picture. Don’t let that discourage you. You can do it. You deserve this.

Sure, there are probably other ways that you could help disenfranchised people of color in America, but do any of those outlets “give you a cute box every month” where you can conveniently store your white tears? I didn’t think so.

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Safety pins create holes in clothing, just like keeping the money you earn for yourself creates a hole in your heart. Still not committed to the cause? Fear not, you racist, misogynistic assh–I mean uhh, “brave ally” – the creators of Safety Pin Box aim to lift your spirits through the power of an absurd lack of humility.

Marissa and Leslie don’t seem very respectable. Neither of them bite their tongue when talking to white people. That makes me nervous.

Leslie and Marissa do not ascribe to respectability politics and will resist any labels of “Angry Black Woman”. Neither is concerned with appealing to white sensibilities or being unnecessarily “polite”. Rather, they are wholly focused on the liberation of Black people by any means necessary, and that might sometimes rub you the wrong way.

Many in the movement for Black lives support the work of both Leslie and Marissa and you can chose to follow their lead or not. Marissa and Leslie will not be softening up their stances to provide this service. These times are dire and the need for Black liberation is urgent.

Look, when Donald Trump won the presidency he said “America is open for business.” If you don’t support Safety Pin Box, you are actively bringing about the destruction of a small business. What’s that? I see – you thought this was a charity. Well, it isn’t.

Is my subscription tax-deductible?

Safety Pin Box is a business, not a charity. Subscriptions are NOT tax deductible. You are purchasing a service & product.

You are purchasing a service & product which may or may not be extremely similar to a financial domination fetish, but whatever – the point is, if you’re a guilty white guy who wants to join the fight for racial “equality” by engaging in a modern form of 13th century flagellantism and bragging about it on Twitter, Safety Pin Box is for you.

Well, it’s technically not for you, so to speak. Don’t forget that. None of this is “for you.”


p.s. – When I start a subscription service to support the efforts of C-Port International, I hope I can count on your donations. We’re all in this together. I can’t afford that condo in a Dubai skyscraper without you. UNICEF this shit.


learn more and make poor decisions at safetypinbox.com

 

 

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