product review: artisanal rocks


ūüé∂ My country, ’tis of thee / Sweet land of liberty / Of thee I sing / Land where my fathers died / Land of the pilgrims’ pride / ¬†From ev’ry mountainside / Let freedom ring!¬†ūüé∂

God bless America, have you ever seen anything as patriotic as this? Anyone who says capitalism doesn’t work has obviously never sold a rock to somebody for $85.¬†This is the land of opportunity, as in ‘you have the opportunity to pick shit up off the ground, price it competitively in the free market, reach deep down into the pockets of every sucker you meet and make a living.’ The act of paying a premium to own a piece of¬†nature’s garbage in a leather pouch¬†is a testament to the success of Western civilization; an artisanal rock like this would probably just get eaten in a third world country because the populace is so backwards and unrefined. A stone of this size¬†is like filet mignon when you’re used to eating pebbles. We, on the other hand, are so rich with wealth and prosperity that¬†we can indulge in the rare luxury of doing whatever the fuck we want with rocks.



In 1790, over 90% of the American labor force was comprised of farmers because we didn’t know any better. In 2016 that number sits at only¬†2%, which means 98% of the population doesn’t have to grow vegetables for a living; instead, they¬†can use those vegetables for something productive, like tanning the leather holsters for their skipping stones. The¬†American dream is all about charting your own course in life and creating value where none previously existed. Los Angeles-based Artist Peter Maxwell is a dreamer. He figured it out. He was probably working some depressing¬†9-5 gig before he realized¬†there are people in the world who don’t have to put up with this shit, like the guy who invented the Pet Rock.


So while the rest of us are pounding QWERTY’s in a cubicle just trying to get by, brave¬†patriots like Los Angeles-based artist Peter Maxwell are out there risking their reputation to manifest destiny¬†in the endless war against the “standards” set by shadowy America-hating front groups like the Consumer Protection Agency. Excuse the shit out of me bureaucrats, but if somebody wants to pay good money for designer solid minerals, who am I to tell them no? We’re all adults here. The United States¬†doesn’t¬†need your communist¬†rules and regulations putting a stranglehold on¬†the free market. Go read¬†The Wealth of Nations¬†and tell me Adam Smith wouldn’t agree with your boy C-Port, lest you catch these invisible hands.

p.s. – When I read that Los Angeles-based artist Peter Maxwell “aims to create beautiful designs…that develop rich character and patina over time,” I was impressed by his use of the word “patina,” which I wasn’t even sure was a real word. You know me, though – always thirsty for knowledge, trying to get a little bit better every day, giving 110% – so I Googled it.


Shout out to Los Angeles-based artist Peter Maxwell for aiming to develop the impression or appearance of a worthwhile purchase here.

get the year’s best stocking stuffer at nordstrom

if you’re a poor person you can get the embarrassingly small version¬†for only $65¬†but at that point you might as well just not buy anything at all and save for your retirement before it’s too late

see more at made solid


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