Editor’s note: Chris in C-Port is not an authority on robot blowjobs.
Bradley Charvet wants to change men’s morning routines. The sex industry entrepreneur already caught the attention of people earlier this year with his plan to open up a fellatio cafe in Switzerland. Based off Thailand’s blowjob bars, the idea is that a guy can come in to order a cup of joe and an escort. The wrinkle at the center of Charvet’s vision: The escorts are robots.
Anyone familiar with the myth of Icarus knows what’s going on here. Brad built himself a pair of wings from feathers and dick wax and he’s about to fly his ass directly into the sun.
This dude thinks he’s got it all figured out, a classic entrepreneurial mistake. Almost every bad business idea boils down to taking two already well-established money makers (i.e. coffee and sex), slapping ’em together and expecting six figures. Coffee’s never been bigger, and blowjobs never go out of style. By those metrics alone Brad’s already swimming in coin like Scrooge McDuck.
So what was your inspiration for the fellatio cafe in Switzerland? What made you want to open a sex robot cafe in London, and why specifically that city?
The London public is willing to engage with the idea and, like Geneva, London is one of the world’s most popular cities for business. You can find tons of escorts and mistresses everywhere.
Do you think that means that the public there wants robots?
Brothels with human workers in London are not legal. Robots were not a choice. And it’s not ridiculous to think about this idea right now. You could not imagine how many people are ready to give sex robots a try in 2016. We asked thousands of potential customers and they were very curious and eager. There is an opportunity in being the first to provide that service.
We’ve seen this coming for a long time now. I always expected to be alive in a time when men would flat out give up trying to spit game to chicks they have no business talking to, I just didn’t expect it to be this soon. On one hand it’s good for lonely guys who yearn for the soft, cell-shaded touch of their favorite anime character, but on the other hand it’s probably a plan to depopulate the planet or something. Eventually dudes will just stop leaving the house altogether, which (no shit) isn’t a good sign for Brad’s business model.
Also, I have to imagine the liability insurance on a business that encourages gentlemen to get their dicks wet in a robot is outrageous. When you make the conscious decision to penetrate machinery and expect nothing awful to happen, that’s a dangerous game only a fraction of us are willing to play. One wrong move and you might get caught up in the gears like saltwater taffy.
What kind of waivers are these degenerates signing while all the blood rushes from their brains? No truly good decision has ever been made with an erection. Has Brad even considered the fact that if one of these idiots climaxes with a piping ass hot cup of coffee in his hands things could get really messy?
What do you expect the clean up process after each robot is used to be like?
We are discussing a solution with the doll company. It’s going to be more or less like escorts are doing at the moment.
Who asks this fucking question? I guess you have to, but still. I don’t know how many escorts are getting unplugged, dragged to the alley and sprayed down with a pressure washer but I’m gonna trust that Brad knows what he’s talking about here, because if we’re being honest, I’d rather not know “the clean up process” for any living or non-living thing that’s been in contact with your genitals. I’d put money on the bathroom being the most sanitary room in the whole building.
How are you setting up the cafe so that there’s privacy for each customer?
We’ll create two box-like areas, but most of the time clients will get a blowjob at the bar.
As a guy who always prefers to sit at the bar in restaurants rather than a booth or a table, this makes me fucking sick. Have you no decency? If you’re gonna pop off before work in public, the least you could do is cover up a bit. I’m pretty sure the guy who invented tablecloths did so to encourage this type of discretion, and yet here you are just throwing away centuries of social norms all so you can ruin everybody else’s day with your heavy breathing. Give me a break. This is a cafe, not a gloryhole you sick freak.
I will say this though, if these robots really catch on and people start keeping them in their homes, we’re in for a wild ride on future seasons of Hoarding: Buried Alive.
p.s. – In the process of doing the absolute bare minimum of research (i.e. zero) for this blog, I’ve seen enough nightmare fuel on the “My Silicone Love Doll” Facebook page to last a lifetime. Legally speaking, these things probably absolutely should not exist for many, MANY reasons.
photo via this horrifying facebook page